I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Randomize
