I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I know her cup size but not her name....
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
