I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
