I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
