Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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