david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
