I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
