ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it's like iHOP with fire
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
