we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
