This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
