I think im going to throw up on grandma
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
