i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
