2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
