I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
