I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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