Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
