I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
