In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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