I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
