i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
