sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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