Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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