I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
