Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
