I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
