??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
This is my life. Enjoy the view
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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