i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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