I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
