god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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