why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
