meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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