I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
