Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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