Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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