Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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