Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
