If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
