There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
