now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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