dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
