I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
