I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
