Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
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