I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
