what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
