i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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