ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
