tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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