If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
