she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
